Something More

Each time one of my children reached the age of about twelve months, I started really disliking being a full time mom. I was no longer satisfied to stay at home, all the time. I felt overwhelmed with the housekeeping tasks and bored with the mothering tasks. (I can only read the same book or build the same puzzle or go on the same walk so many times without going completely batty!) Perhaps the mood swing was some form of delayed postpartum depression.

I was optimistic that with Baby C I'd skip the whole negative vibes. I hoped that now that I'm so much older and wiser (cough cough) and more experienced, I'd be able to control my mood and anchor my thoughts.

I was wrong.

The last three days, I've hit the mothering wall. I struggle with the simplest mothering tasks, from laundry to the night-time routine. And I use any excuse to not mother. Facebook has become an addiction, I hide in my room to read, and I choose to run errands instead of staying put.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my kids, but I am longing for something in addition to mothering. In the past, when I battled the anti-mothering funk, I auditioned for a musical theater production and started teaching as an adjunct professor. These two activities got me out of the house doing things I love. While the time juggle was a challenge, I was more balanced and felt whole. Frazzled, yes. But in a good, satisfying way.

With Baby C, I took maternity leave from everything. Maybe this anti-mothering syndrome is a sign that it's time to squeeze a few things back into my life that are just mine. And maybe by reclaiming some of those things that I enjoy, I'll be content with mothering again.