Some Things I've Learned about Myself While Living Overseas...

...and a few worries. 

1. I love to travel! I have felt more alive and satisfied in the past 3 years than I can remember. And I think a lot of it has to do with traveling, experiencing new places and cultures. Watching the outback billow with smoke from the redrock plateau in Kakadu National Park. Walking up the stairs to the Sydney Opera house which glowed bright against the starlit sky. Soaking in the blue Bali sky after Jakarta’s pollution. Hearing the gamelan chimes and walking through the rice paddies. And of course, Italy. France. England. Traveling over the past three years has given me such joy that I’m convinced my heaven will involve seeing and experiencing new places! And...I’m about to say goodbye to this traveling lifestyle, at least for a while.

2. I function much better with money in the bank. Financial security brings such peace. I’ll be honest – I’m NOT looking forward to going back to live in the most wealthy county in America where we barely meet the median income. I don’t like being surrounded by mansions, SUVs, and real diamonds shining on my friend’s ears. The stress of figuring out where money will come from to pay for car repairs can rip the zest for life out of me. And I really struggle when my peers take extravagant vacations while we stay home (see #1). Jakarta's third-world status has kept me humble and grateful, instead of covetous. 

3. I still haven’t figured out the balance of work and motherhood. I find satisfaction in both. But trying to do both brings guilt. I like feeling worthwhile both in terms of my talents and a paycheck. And I confess, it is a lot easier to teach 9^th graders how to write an essay than it is to instill kindness in my own children. Working outside my home has worked for us here because I have help with dishes, cooking, and laundry (oh I will miss Yuli!!). So when I am home with my kids, I can actually dedicate the time they need for homework, activities, and being together. I’m worried about my mental state next year as I try to regain my footing as a mother, a maid, a chauffer, and as an employee.

4. I’m not sure if I’m a “people-person” anymore. My husband says Jakarta can bring out the best and worst in people – the daily stress, pollution, and challenges can add up. I’ve had three monumentally difficult (possibly traumatic) interactions with people while living here. As in, tear-my-soul-and-haunts-my-dreams hard. And I find myself wondering if it’s Jakarta, or them, or me. Do I come across different than how I perceive myself? Am I a difficult person? Sure, I like my privacy, my alone time, and my autonomy – but does that make me seem prideful and unkind? 

Then, at the same time, I’ve also had some of the most inspiring interactions with people here. Beautiful moments sitting around the English faculty table at lunchtime, festive moments at Thanksgiving, joyful moments on the soccer field during holidays with friends, and simple moments with good neighbors….

How will I rebuild and present myself when I return. Surely I’ve changed, and chances are, my friends have grown and changed too. I plead with them to be accepting and fragile with my children and I. Please give us the benefit of the doubt, and we will give you the same. Let’s just be kind to each other.

5. My heart will break when I leave Jakarta. It already is. Like a knitted sock, I feel Jakarta holding to my heart, and with each booked plane ticket, each goodbye party, and each ending, my heart is slowly unraveling. I’ve been pretty stoic up till now, putting up walls where needed and avoiding heart-to-heart talks. But the end is looming and all the things I’ve been avoiding are lurking nearer and nearer.

5 days left of school.

40 days till pack-out.

45 days till goodbye.