My Thoughts about "40"

Sunday night there was panic. Sheer panic. Some of my thoughts: What? How can I be turning 40? Real adults are 40. I can't possibly live up to real adulthood. I haven't published my book yet (I guess I'll never be the next Stephenie Meyer). Crap. Crap. Crap. It's an uphill battle from here. I'll never be younger. I'll never have less wrinkles--at least not without surgery. I'll never feel less-tired. I cannot adequately celebrate my 40th birthday without some stupendous, exotic trip. I'm thinking Italy. (There also may have been some feet-stomping, and other not-mature-40ish-behavior).

My husband listened patiently.

Monday morning I had a good, therapeutic chat with my fellow English teacher Gina. She gets me. Her advice, "Take a personal day and go hike a mountain, or lounge on a beach, or visit a volcano." I looked up some flights to Bali during my break.

I posed the idea to my husband that night. Again, he listened patiently.

Tuesday morning I had a good facebook exchange with Karen. She gets me. She told me what I needed to remember. Plus she said she'd join me on a pilgrimage to NYC to see Les Mis this fall.

I told my husband. And, you guessed it, he listened patiently.

Finally, I woke up Wednesday (with only 48 hours left of being 39 years old) and I started a mental list of all the things I'd done so far in my life. I thought I'd aim for 40 cool things. My list looked like this:

1. I married the man I truly love.
2. I carried six children in my womb (2 at the same time!)
3. I've cried over a miscarriage.
4. I've seen the northern lights.
5. I kayaked with my Dad in the Pacific ocean (and saw whales).
6. I ran a marathon.
7. I danced and sang on a stage in Russia.
8. I studied Shakespeare in England.
9. I've admired the twinkling lights of Paris from the Eiffel tower.
10. I ate dinner on a rooftop in Rome with a view of the colosseum.
11. I swam in the blue ocean of Bali.
12. I applied for grad school and was rejected. I applied again and earned a Master's from Georgetown.
13. I've known the peace of rocking my own sleeping baby.
14. I've taught my favorite book to a classroom full of students.
15. I've cheered for my children on the sidelines of many soccer fields.
16. I listened to a symphony at the Opera House in Sydney.
17. I ran for student body president (and lost).
18. I've made my own raspberry jam.
19. I've taken my daughter to the temple in Preston, England.
20. I've laughed, shopped, and cried with my sisters.
21. I've mastered baking with yeast dough.
22. I've been blessed with incredible friends.
23. I've been poor, as in not-enough-money to pay rent and buy groceries poor.
24. I've enjoyed lemon gelato in Florence, Italy.

The list goes on.

Somewhere in the 30s, I realized I didn't need to go anywhere special or exotic or exciting for my birthday. The past 40 years have been incredibly full - full of ups and downs, victories and stupendous failures, memories upon memories upon memories.

I can only be grateful.

So instead of some grand adventure, my 40th birthday looks something like this:
An early morning run in the black Jakarta morning.
Chocolate cake with my English department.
A day of teaching.
Baskin Robins Ice Cream with my kids on the way home from school.
Pie making.
Mexican dinner with family and friends.
Board games with kids.

Perfect.