What I missed

I've been waiting to write this blog. Waiting until I had time to upload the pictures of the Halloween I missed. But I never seem to have enough free minutes when I'm home...and I'm worried my thoughts about this will disappear before I can upload the pictures.

While I was traipsing around Australia, here's what I missed: two soccer tournaments, a basketball game, ten breakfasts, ten dinners, two family home evenings, two Sundays (both of which my children attended church sans parents, yes they were orphans), an elementary school United Nations day, and Halloween.

I'm not going to philosophise about whether or not my trip was worth missing all these family events because life is a balance. And I wonder if part of my enjoyment of the trip was knowing I had exchanged so much to be there. (Oops, I think I'm philosophising).

Here's what I want to record. I missed my kids. A lot. Especially on Halloween. I thought of them Halloween morning during my run along the highway in Katherine. As I watched the sky wake up with orange and fuchsia stripes, I wondered if Owen was fixing them a fun Halloween breakfast. As I handed out the spider and scull rings to the students on the bus, I wondered if Madi had helped make Tman's ghost costume. As I walked through the palm grove with hundreds of fruit bats hanging from the branches, I thought about how my own children would think it was very "Halloweeny" and cool.

And Halloween night, as I ducked and shimmied to avoid the pesky, flying beetles and braved the toilets with the poisonous toads, I thought of my children in their costumes trick-or-treating.

Now I will also confess in this blog entry that when I returned home, all was not perfect. I may have actually uttered outloud the following words in a moment of great frustration, "Twenty-two 14 year olds are easier than my own five children!" And in an effort to try to make me feel better for missing the family so much, Madi tried to comfort me by saying, "Don't worry mom. We missed you. But really we didn't need you here."  Ouch.

Quick tangent...I think the reason twenty-two 14 year olds were easier than my own five children is quite simple. My investment level (emotional and spiritual) with the students was minimal. My main job on the trip was to keep them physically safe. My investment level with my own children is eternal which makes my job never-ending and oh so important. So when my own five children have five very different needs all at the same time, I'm pulled very thin logistically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to do a good job. That is what makes mothering so much more challenging than chaperoning.

Conclusion: I loved my trip. I love my children. I love being a teacher. I love being a mother. I'm grateful for both. It's a balance that I'm not sure I've completely figured out.

But here's what I know for sure: I'm going to try very hard not to miss another Halloween with my kids. Cuz, I really missed having fun with them on Halloween!